You can always get what you want

If there is one thing i hate the most in this world its being ignored. i just spent eight months being ignored. eight months of no one to talk to. eight months to just sit in silence. do you not understand what that does to a person? my mind is so messed up from it. not just because i was ignored but because the person who did is one of those people who are supposed to be a model someone to learn from. Family. my sister. then when i finally get a way you sen me messages. not im sorry or i love you but messages that say im sick you hate me im crazy. on top of that i go somewhere i think i will be appriceated and understood. ha thats not how it worked out either. do they not understand what i went through my brain ripped apart. i lost all sanily being with my sister. but they dont understand. they say its ok your not there anymore you can be normal now. normal? how can i be normal. i wish i honestly wish i could explane to them what is going on in my head but m so scared. its one thing to no your crazy but another when others no it too. so im sorry if i randomly start crying. or if your words hurt i cant help it. i wish i could but i cant. the damage has been done.

lies will be told

I haven’t always been the most honest person.  It’s true.  It’s something I struggle with a lot.  I mean, who doesn’t?  I know from personal experience that it not only hurts your heart when you lie, but it hurts your soul and everyone around you.  Sure there are people around me who lie.  Nothing to serious.   Just your average white lie to avoid conflict.  It does, come concerning though, when your white lies turn in to meaningful lies. Then those lies get even bigger and swallow people up whole. Then it becomes more of a concern when you believe your own lie. When it gets to the point that people know you’re a liar yet they still believe your every word, that’s when you need to be scared.

            Right now, at this very moment, I am drowning in a pool of never ending lies.  Now, it’s not me doing the lies.  As surprising as that may be to some.  No, it’s someone I’m supposed to look up to. Someone whose footsteps I’m supposed to fallow. Although it’s kind of funny that no one notices my serious plunge into the deep end of what it seems as never ending depression.  I will always wonder how you feel about this though. Being so caught up in your lies did you even notice? Notices my abundant suicidal attempts.  Notice my ever flowing tear. Notice my heart ripping at the seam.

            Well, of course I should know that you haven’t.  With you being so suicidal yourself.  I attempt it once. You try it twice. It’s a never ending challenge.  Although this “challenge” you created is simply who dies first. I mean you think people would notice how you have to one up every story.  Come on you took two beautiful births and made them all about you.

            I never meant to put myself in this situation.  Although it seemed inedible.  Moving from one house to the next. Practically destroying relationships not only with me but with the family.  I came to you when I needed help. All you did was invest me in your lie party.  As if a whole other person. Constantly doing wrong.  I couldn’t take it.  

on fire

lies. Lies are like wildfires. They consume everything in there way. They take you down with them. People are always there. They know stay away from the fire but it draws them in like a moth to a light.  Knowing in the end they will get burned. A fire always starts out small. You never know When it will get out of hand.  Something is always there feeding the flam. The bigger the fire. The wilder the flames. There is no stopping it because no matter what its always going to start somewhere again.

Random thoughts unlocked

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I find myself thinking. Not like "what am i going to do today" kind of thinking. Its more on the lines of  "how is this possible" kind of thinking.  I don't really know if that make sense, but in my head it does. People always ask me "what is going on in that head of yours?"  I find it funny because, i mean what really is going on in this head of mine? If you really want to know, my head is like a whirlwind of thoughts. Endless, Meaningless, Enlightening, Powerful thoughts. If only i had the power to really truly speak my mind. It would none the less be an ever flowing waterfall of my every unspoken words.  I could only imagine how different my life would be if i actually stood up for my self.  how many people i could have proven wrong or right.